Everyone is decorating for Christmas.

Everyone is buying presents.

Everyone is posting pictures of their tree.

And I’m over here wondering if anyone would notice if I just slept through Christmas.

Maybe it’s because I’ve done such a great job isolating myself from friends. I just don’t feel included in anything anymore. I just don’t care.

I had a friend once say she was making something special for me for my birthday.
Then Christmas came. It still wasn’t ready.
Then the next Christmas I finally got to see it, but it wasn’t finished.
I wonder if I’ll get that clock this year.

I doubt it.
I doubt she’s even going to ask me to be in her wedding.
I’ve shut everyone out because it seems like no one cares that my Mom is dying. No one knows how to deal.

Hell. I don’t either. You could at least try to distract me…?

I’ve had awful PMS symptoms lately.
They got way out of hand this month, so I made an appointment with a gynecologist. Two weeks of nausea, dizziness upon standing, no appetite and cramps from my ribs to my knees… You’d think something was wrong, right?

Oh, so wrong.

Nothing is wrong. At all.

I guess I just get to deal with this pain once a month or so. Because that’s fun.

I’m hopeful I’ll be able to try a few new oil combos, though. I’m sure I’ll be able to find something that works.

Oh. Back to Christmas.

I’ve hired a photographer to come take pictures of us as a family the day after Christmas. I get teary eyed every time I think of what the pictures are going to look like.

I’m gonna miss you, Momma. So much.

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