Tonight I’m not brave.

I’m not courageous.

I haven’t been since we left the new oncologists office yesterday.

My Mom has been off of chemo since October.

They did pet scans on Monday and her cancer has grown. The spots in her bones and soft tissues are larger. And there’s a spot in her liver that hasn’t been mentioned since all of this started almost two years ago.

Her new doctor is nice. Much nicer and much more real than her old one. I like him. He even offered Mom a hug at the end of the appointment. It was touching.

I’ve had meltdown after meltdown today. Sometimes over the stupidest things. All I know is that crying when the air is so dry leads to ridiculous nosebleeds. And I don’t feel that release when I’m finished crying anymore. Not yet, at least.

I’m just as angry and frustrated and scared as she is. I don’t want her to suffer anymore. There’s a mass growing around her esophagus. You can feel it when you run your hands down her neck. They think it’s what’s keeping her from swallowing. So she goes in for an MRI specifically on that part of her neck Monday and Tuesday we go back to the oncologist and talk options.

I’m praying that radiation will be the first choice. She hates not being able to enjoy food.

She tried eating a pop tart yesterday morning for breakfast. It got stuck. She tried to wash it down. That got stuck, too. The regurgitated substance looked like a violent waterfall of ruby red liquid. She’s mastered throwing up while sitting in her spot on the couch and turning her body slightly to the right to aim at the trash can.

On days like today, it’s harder watching her suffer than knowing she’ll be taken from us soon.

Her doctor said two years.

Two years without chemo and she’ll be gone.

Baeleigh will only be 7.

So, just keep reminding me that I am brave.

I’ve heard it so much recently that I know it must be true.

Sometimes you have to be that person to remind another of their strength.

I’m blessed to know a few awesome people who will continue to do just that.

But right now all I can do is cry and listen to Your Great Name on repeat.