We have been watching Mom for changes in her disease. Since she’s on Hospice, she can’t undergo testing or anything, so we can really only rely on what she tells us, what we intuitively pick up on, and changes in her behavior.

Over the last couple weeks, Mom has started with intense focal headaches…signs that the cancer is returning to her brain.
I’ve also noticed that there are certain things that cannot be discussed in her presence because she cannot handle them emotionally. She tries to put on a front about it, but you can feel a change in the room.

Last night, she had an epic argument with my sister, Jessica. Jessica has taken to opening mail in Mom’s room, and while Jess was doing so last night, she came across her DirecTV bill that was $90 more than it should be because she forgot to send back the extra devices. She mentioned it to Mom, venting her frustration at her own neglectfulness, and Mom snapped. I don’t know the details of the argument because I wasn’t there, but from what Jess wrote I know there was yelling, tears, cursing and Mom even went as far as to lower her bed to the ground and demand to go smoke. (Mom hasn’t smoked since she was hospitalized on Nov 16th and we cannot safely get her outside at Jessica’s house, anyway.)

A little while later, I got a text from Jessica saying that Mom didn’t remember having the argument. Mom cried a lot more and apologized, then sent an apologetic text to all of us saying that she knew this day would come soon, but that she still wasn’t prepared for it. She told us how much she loved us and that she doesn’t want to hurt us or for any of us to have negative memories of her last days with us.

I sat in my car and cried hysterically.

I called a couple friends and asked them to pray over me.

I’ve handled past transitions a lot better than I did this one.

From my past experience in working with the elderly, those at the end of their days, and those with dementia, I know that the road ahead is going to be difficult. I guess I just wasn’t ready to get to this point, yet…? I don’t know.

A couple weeks ago, Mom asked her hospice nurse, Angie, how much time she thought was left. Angie said that they were all very surprised to see her last more than a couple weeks. Mom said she agreed. Angie said that she didn’t see anything or sense anything that would give her cause to be concerned that the end was near…she even went as far as to say that Mom could have months left.

That was difficult to digest, too; however, I trust in God’s plan through all of this and just want to make sure she’s comfortable.

Misty is, again, having a difficult time accepting all of this. I get it, it’s a lot to swallow when you aren’t ready to lose your mother. However, her attitude and the way she addressed me yesterday over all of this is deplorable. I need God’s abundant strength, grace and peace to not sink to her level and become as bitter and angry in response to the nasty words she writes and says.

I did well yesterday, though. I just need that to continue.

Another photo from Christmas 2014. 

I love all of them